my resentment

Here I am, telling everyone how privileged I am to go live with the poor and to love my neighbors in the slums. And, after barely any time at all, I realize an attitude of resentment and frustration toward those very neighbors I came to love! Unbelievable.

I’m not saying that resentment is all that I feel. But I’ve struggled with this regarding specific people at certain times. It’s hypocritical.

We keep our door open most of the time as a way to be open and inclusive of anyone who wants to come chat in our room. And we try to offer tea any time that it’s appropriate. It’s often appropriate. We say things like, “come any time”, “come again”. People know they’re welcome in our room.

But sometimes I get tired because of my introvertedness or due to the constant cross-cultural and new language intensity. Then, as I’ve had about enough social interaction and want to study or read, someone comes in who expects a welcoming time of chatting.

There’s one older man who comes somewhat regularly. Usually I ask him if he’d like some tea, because it’s what is expected, and because he’s my elder. I make tea. He drinks it. We talk. He lights up a cigarette and ashes partially on my bamboo floor mat. He says my tea is too bitter. He’s right. He always wants some instant coffee mixed into the tea as well. My emotions are mixed. Conditional love, sprinkled with resentment. This combination is not the kind of love I want to show. I’m tired. I’m drained by confusing language and cultural interaction. I’m humbled by my resentment and lack of love.

My prayer is that I’ll stop thinking about how beautiful the idea of “praying without ceasing” is – that I’ll actually do it for more than an hour! That I’ll allot deep times of prayer each day so that I’m filled and reminded of who I live for, and whose strength keeps me going. That I’ll embrace God’s peace each moment. That I’ll recognize every opportunity to serve tea to Jesus in disguise and show love with my gestures, words and time. That I’ll acknowledge the presence of God’s Spirit in each situation throughout my day.

But my resentment creeps in both slowly and quickly. Certain thoughts surface in my mind… “Do you realize I chose to be here?”… “Do you want to see how if feels to speak a different language constantly?” My resentment becomes pride and arrogance. I start thinking that I deserve all that I’ve renounced to live with the poor. As if I’m entitled.

Then I remember, as I refocus on Jesus, that I’m not entitled to anything – not even to breath or contaminated drinking water. God gave me life, and much more than I need. And it’s all a gift.

But Jesus, who actually deserved royalty, was born on earth in a dirty and lowly place. Then he entered into places where obnoxious crowds never left him alone. He discipled idiots who would kill him, deny him and also build his church and die for him. That’s Jesus.

And me? And you? Who are we?

We’re broken people who constantly need God’s grace. But God has given us life through his Spirit so that we can follow in his footsteps, sharing in his suffering that is somehow a full life of abundance in him. So we rejoice and celebrate as we participate in his works of love and healing – both in our own lives and in the lives of our neighbors.